Wow! Ummm it's been what? 2 years since my last post? I have over 40 unfinished blog posts in my drafts it's ridiculous. I sit down to write and then I forget how to formulate a cohesive thought that is engaging for people to want to read! Then I start to think, why am I even writing this? My goodness! The struggle! lol
For starters, I just celebrated my 30th birthday on February 3! I had a chance to be in my birth state (Texas) for my birthday! I hung out with my close friends from college and got to see my alma mater (Sic'em Bears). It was wonderful time... until I got the flu and I was in bed for over a week 😭. But it's fine! I'm better now! kind of... Y'all 30 has not been the friendliest so far!
Sice' em Bears!
Turning 30, however, has made me reflect on life and where I currently am and how I thought I would be better off and more successful by this age. The months leading up to my birthday, I was dreading every single moment of it. I had such a fear around turning 30. Ideally, I thought by age 30 I would be married, with kids, surrounded by good friends, have a stable career, own a home, possibly singing and dancing somewhere. You know, the "American dream". The Lord, however, has not allowed that to be my reality. What I am currently am doing is typing out this blog, in my studio apartment, without a job (I just quit my job which is a whole blog in itself), trying to change my career in a new city where I know no one... oh and I am very single and very childless. In all actuality, I feel like I've experienced tons of loss over the last few years. Whether it was a loss or significant change in friendship dynamics, the loss of grandparents, the change of scenery, jobs, the list can go on.
It is so easy to look around at the world, your peers, or your family and compare your life to theirs; where you thought you would be versus where they are or were, at your age. Even at times, people will make comments like "you're still single?" or "You still don't know what you want to do yet?" It makes me feel behind in life or like I've done something wrong or like something is wrong with me. (I mean ADHD has a part to play in this but this blog isn't about that lol) Even when I try to explain how I'm thinking or feeling, it can be met with a dismissive comment or the well intentioned, unsolicited dating advice from someone who got married and had kids by age 24. It can make a person feel hopeless and misunderstood. While the advice and comments can come from a genuine place, they don't understand the struggle of being 30 and alone (like how I don't understand the struggle of being married with a house full of children). You start to feel lonely and dismissed from peers because you aren't married/have children. I begin to think is there anyone out there that understands what I'm going through? What's even more difficult is when you can honestly say you have tried to strive for obedience to God's word, repented when you fell, removed ungodly things from your life, yet you feel like you still come up short. Then you see people who haven't fully lived for God, get the very things you are praying for. (Bear with me on this before before you click away lol) While my intellectual and spiritual mind is aware of the importance of waiting on the Lord's timing, your flesh is still grieving that you haven't experienced what others claim to be "the best time of their life". While I can continue on and on about what I don't have, it is easy to lose sight of what we do have.
So in this time I'm going to force myself reflect on what the Lord has allowed me to accomplished in these 30 years of life, or since I graduated from college because thats when I thought my life would just take off! These are in no particular order, just what I can think of right now, and my goodness this is hard to come up with:
I graduated from my #1 college, Baylor University
moved out of my parents house and into my own apartment
Saved over $30K to...
Move across the country, by myself, with my own money (my parents gave me some money for a couch and dining table, but the rest was from my bank account)
...and then I QUIT MY JOB in the new city! (this is a whole blog in itself)
Taught high school students for almost 5 years
Changed careers. (well I'm still changing careers and not quite settled into the new one)
Moved to a city where I know no one and I am making a name for myself
I have made and maintained good friends! (while they don't live in my city, I know I have friends that love me, encourage me, and hold me accountable)
I let go of friends that the Lord told me to let go of
I taught a college course (it was a hip-hop dance class that students received 2 units of credit for)
I blogged every month for a year in 2018! lol
started taking dance classes again, re-fell in love with dance and grew my dance confidence
I started taking acting classes
I booked my first musical theatre show as an adult! (I'll be in Ragtime at a regional theatre as part of the ensemble and understudy for Sarah)
I've seen 4 musical theatre shows in the last 6 months (more than I had seen in years!)
I choreographed a musical for the high school I was teaching at (if you can't tell, I really love musical theatre)
Danced in Sacramento for the National Day of Dance event
I became a vegetarian and started cooking tons of vegan food! (well I still eat salmon and tuna but that's it)
loc'd my hair! (yay for low maintenance hair life)
Started a vinyl collection ( I have about 9 records so far)
Got my masters degree (somewhat... The program was janky but at least I can say I have my masters.)
Went to Philly for the first time and attended my first ADHD conference
Traveled to Mexico for the first time (for my friend's wedding)
I crossed 8 states off of my bucket list (Mississippi, Washington state, Louisiana, Maryland, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Delaware, New Jersey, Arizona)
Became a mentor to so many students
I sang a lot of solos at church, weddings, even funerals
Began to celebrate Passover! (literally the best time of the year now)
I forced myself out of my comfort zone and created a new life for myself that
Whether I have been successful at these things or not, I have still accomplished something! It's important to celebrate the small victories and not allow yourself, or others, to make you feel as though you have not accomplished anything in your life. Our lives are supposed to look different from one another in order to be affective in the body of Christ. As the Bible says "Just as one , though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form on body, so it is with Christ" (1 Corinthians 12:12). We all have a different purpose, gift, and calling. My gifts, talents and current position in life just might be what is necessary for my growth and development at the moment. Plus, why rush life when The Lord is the ultimate author of time. I have to really sit with that fact. The Lord is the author and creator of time and everything. If I truly love Him and believe that, then I have to trust that he will work everything out in its proper season.
The Bible says in Proverbs 14:30 "A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot", and that's exactly how I feel! I feel like my bones are rotting. I feel like this pain won't end. I feel like I am just going to wither away and disintegrate into thin air. While it does say envy, that is exactly what comparison is, it is envying someone else's life because you wish you had their life. You believe your life would be better off if it was just like someone else's. Exodus 20:17 states, you know, as part of the 10 Commandments, "You shall not covet thy neighbor's house... or anything that belongs to your neighbor." Comparing your life to someone else's can definitely become coveting, whether we want to believe it or not. If you find yourself in that position, first off, repent. Ask the Father to show you where your mentality and heart posture is in the wrong and repent. Then ask the Father to change your heart and appreciate where He has you right now. Also, it doesn't hurt to ask the Lord are their any sins that may have led you to this spot in life. While it's not necessarily a punishment, our own disobedience can cause us to drift away from where The Father wants us to be. If the Lord reveals something to you, repent of it and ask the Father to either remove it from your life or do whatever He needs to do to make sure it aligns with His will. After that, create boundaries for yourself. You might need to delete social media for a while. Or you might need to tell friends and family "hey can we not talk about this right now,". Protect your peace! Your peace of mind is important than other's unhelpful and unnecessary and nosey questions. It's so easy to look at what you don't have instead of what the Father might be protecting you and others from. There is a reason the Lord has this as a command of what not to do. In comparing our life, it can say we know what's best for our life than The Father does. On top of that, it can show that we aren't actually trusting in the Lord and we are, instead, leaning onto our own understanding.
I'm also not going to negate the fact that even in this time, while there might be comparison, there is that reality of loneliness. While days can seem lonely and unbearable and grief can become all consuming (this is a whole blog in itself), I have to hold onto the fact of Psalm 34:18 "the Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." It can feel like God isn't speaking or doing anything in these moments, but I have to step back and reflect on what I do have and how much He is protecting and guiding me and if I actually pay attention, He is speaking. Obeying and trusting in The Lord is hard because all we see is our flesh and the physical struggles. So while we may not understand where the Lord is taking us or why we have to go through life a certain way, I pray we truly trust in the Lord and find peace and comfort in Him during this process. Plus, who said we had to accomplish certain things by a certain age? Life is a journey, not a sprint.
Prayer:
Dear Father, I pray you convict us when we are not trusting in You and instead, comparing our life to others. Help us to see why we are in this place in life. If there is anything that goes against You, please reveal it to us and remove it from our lives. I pray you can also send us good friends and a good community of people so we don't feel as lonely. Lord please remind us of all that You have done for us and let us not take that for granted. Lord guide and direct our steps to holiness and obedience. I thank you for Your protection and love. I love you!
In Yeshua's name, Amen!
Alright y'all. TTYL!
~love, Meghan
Oh and here is a little collage pertaining to that list of 30 things!
Ok, just wow! I found your blog because I was searching for help on how to help my 11 year old daughter with ADHD and RSD.. and I felt all of this!!! I hope to encourage you with this. I lived alone, served The Lord in many blessed ways.. longing for a family. I was 44 years old, prayed for years.. for a husband, prayed that my womb would not go barron. Like Ruth, as I was continuing my work for The Lord, He brought him in my path. 3 months later, married. 2 months after married, pregnant. My husband had never been married or had children. He was 53 at the time, I was 44. Our daughter is now…