Hey y'all! I was supposed to post this for Mental Health Awareness month in May... but here we are in September! hahahah Shoutout to ADHD! So everything I was thinking and feeling was from May. A lot has happened in then but let's just focus on the topic at hand: Waiting Well While Waiting a While. I love me a good alliteration lol
So I'm just going to piggyback off of my last blog "I'm 30, I'm not flirty, and I'm barely thriving" because I definitely feel like I've been going through it even more since publishing that last blog. Maybe I am speaking out of a place of high emotions, but honestly, I am not ok lol. It's almost as if you are spiritually attacked the moment you decide to be vulnerable. Why? I'm not too sure yet. Maybe it was a test to see if I truly believed everything I wrote. At that time I still had a little more faith and hope, yet over the last few months, my faith has been shaky and hope has disappeared. Let me give a bit of context...
As I stated in my last blog, I packed up my life and moved across the country to a city where I knew no one, with no family, no friends, NOTHING. (My sister does live 2 hours and 2 states away but I still didn't know anyone in town.) All I had waiting for me, and the only job that gave me a chance, was a job teaching 9th grade biology as well as 12th grade Anatomy & physiology, yet my teaching credential is in physical education! Please make it make sense! In the process of me moving I also had a strong feeling that I needed to get out of teaching, but I didn't know what else I would do. So what did I do? I accepted the job sight unseen, praying for the best. Boy oh boy was I in for a wild 3 months! That's right! I lasted 3 months at that job! I didn't realize I was under so much stress and anxiety. Mind you, I also started working there right after my maternal grandmother passed away. So now I'm grieving, in a new city where I knew no one, teaching a subject I knew nothing about, in a profession I was unsure about. All of that stress and anxiety started manifesting itself physically. I would wake up with severe heart palpitations along with random nose bleeds, which I've never had before. I also started having small panic attacks in class. I felt trapped. At that moment I realized I needed to quit for my own safety. I struggled with quitting because, I didn't want to be a quitter, in the middle of the school year, plus I thought it would get better. I didn't want to make a rash decision and quit without giving it a fair chance. The crazy thing, I knew the Lord was either telling me to not take that job or that I wouldn't last long in this job, however, I just didn't know what else I was going to do. After much prayer, I realized I would rather be unemployed than making money at a place I did not feel physically, spiritually, or emotionally safe. In my ignorance, I believed I would get another job before the end of 2023. BOY WAS I WRONG! It took 7 months to land a job, and in the midst of that 7 month period, I was grieving the loss of my paternal grandmother. (This whole grief thing is no joke and I will defintely I do a specific blog on it.) As many people are aware, the job market right now is atrocious and I am not the only one with multiple degress, struggling to find a job. Throughout the 7 months I was unemplyoed, I applied to over 30 jobs, had only 2 interviews and the rest of the jobs don't even send a rejection notice! While I was wise in saving up a lot of money, seeing my bank account diminish each month has been a test of faith and made me question a lot my decisions. Did I move prematurely? Should I get another degree? Did I even consult with God when getting my degree and my career path? I could keep going on this little tangent however, it didn't change the current situation... I still did not have a job. One thing is for certain, I knew moving was going to grow me and challenge me, I just didn't know how.
James 1: 2-4 states: "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
In life we go through various trials, not always because we are being punished, but because the Lord is trying to prune us, shape us, and mold us into something better. We are not promised an easy life, especially as Christian, but we are promised that The Lord will be by our side in this midst of these challenges. The fact that the verse says to count is as joyous to experience trials. How are trials joyous?
Maybe at this point in time God is sitting me down for me to truly listen to Him. He has continuously closed doors even when I "do things the right way". I was also convicted in me trying to "rush God". Some days, however, I sit and cry out to God, "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!" There have been some beautiful things that have come out of me not working. First being, I spent about a month with my paternal grandma before she passed away. If I was working I would not have had that opportunity to do so! I had to opportunity to be with her, encourage her and love on her 2 weeks before she passed. Second, I could focus on my craft. I have been able to be in my first musical theatre production as an adult and gain more knowledge in theatre. Lastly, I have had the ability to rest. While there aren't any distractions, yet I continuously create distractions because I feel like I always have to "do" when God is saying to sit still and rest in Him. I have a tendency to feel worthless if I'm not constantly doing something, but there are times when God is calling us to rest.
In this time of waiting, how are we supposed to wait well?
PRAY!
I was initially, so focused on getting a new job, I didn't stop to think where the Lord might want me to be. Our lives are more than a job. We are to walk out the purpose and calling the Lord has over our lives to bring forth His love and glory. As I mentioned before, I had applied to well over 30 jobs to which I received 30 rejections. I went through unecessary rejection that caused me to lose hope and question the Lord. I then heard the Lord tell me to stop applying to jobs, and rest in him. In that time I began to fast and pray. By age 30 I am aware of what I am good at and what the Lord has instilled within me. Through much prayer, I finally have the confidence to been to say "I AM AN ARTIST!" God made me an artist. I was so fearful of saying that yet, God has given me these gifts for a reason. I don't need to necessarily learn anything brand new, but I do need to continue honing in on the skills the Lord has already given me. (Example: why am I teaching biology when I have no interest in science? Why am I trying to get a fitness certification in something I have no passion or interest in?) One thing I realized in this waiting period is that God will not allow me to feel comfortable nor mentally sane in doing something "just to do it". Getting a random job, just to have a job and feel like I have purpose. I know it sounds crazy but I had no peace is doing anything else but what the Lord had already given me. I would try to apply to different job but I could hear the Holy Spirit tell me, "that's not it". As I continued to pray I realized that a job was never my provision, but The Father was. I can do everything correctly and by the book and it still will not prosper because it is not where God needs me to be. I am sitting here with a masters degree, over 7 years working in public education experience, working with Kindergarden through college, and I could not find a job! It finally dawned on me that God was taking me on a path that I had to FULLY trust Him on because it wouldn't make sense to anyone else. There are times when rejection is motivation to keep going and work harder, but there are times when God is gettting your attention to slow down and ask Him what it is that He wants you to do. We could potentially be going down a path that He doesn't want us on. While that path isn't inherently bad, it's just not what He wants for you to do because He wants you to meet others that need to experience His love where they wouldn't have if you were not there.
Another way of waiting well is ensuring you have a strong community, which I did not. I had friends and family to talk to but no one physically close by. What did help me, however, was me being in the theatre production. I was constantly around people and that gave me a small sense of community and a sense of hope. It also clarified the next path God wants me to take in my life even though it is not the most "reasonable" or "stable". It's important to have community because, as the bible says, it is to "bear one another's burdens". Also, a strong Christian community helps in accountability. During this time I began to lose hope and faith, but a strong community can pray with you and help point you back to Christ.
Lastly, avoid comparsion, negative self talk, and worldly advice. While some people may give well meaning advise, make sure you pray for discernment that it is God's advice for you. Which is why the first two points of praying and having a strong christian community around you are crucial. I began to intake everything that people were telling me I should do. While the advice sounded good and practical, it wasn't what the Lord had for me. The life the Lord has for you is because He has a specific plan that He is going to carry out through you. No amount of practicality will bring forth His plan. To be honest, maybe I haven't published this blog yet because the light bulb finally went off for me this week. God is going to put me in certain situations because He needs me to be a light in a dark place. He needs people who have never seen the love of God, to see Him through me. So yes, I can get any job, as I have the qualifications for it, but that is not where He wants me to be. I cannot compare my life to others because my life is not my own! My life belongs to Him. Once we truly grasp that concept, rejections start to make sense. As I have said before, rejection is either a tool to keep working harder and pressing forward or a means that God is trying to redirect you to where He needs you to be in this moment. Just as the disciples rarely had a place to lay their head, God wants us to not get tied to this world but live it in a way that serves Him. Go where He has called us to bring forth and live out the gospel. Our life is not our own.
So now, that I know I am confidently walking as an artist, developing stronger community of Christ followers, and trying not to compare my life to others, I see how I have to sit and rest in The Lord. I can try to plan everything to a T, but if that's not where He is calling me to be, it will not happen. Sometimes in our stubbornness God will allow certain things to happen but that doesn't mean He approves of it. Continue praying if this is where He wants you to be to serve Him. Just because things have always worked out for you and you are deemed successful by men, that doesn't always mean that God is behind it. I began to question God because I was not walking in the path He wanted me to. I was living my life for to appease others and make myself feel like I am doing something. I had to let go of other opinions and advice because, while I said before, it wasn't bad advice, it wasn't what the Lord had in store for me. Seek Him and He will make it clear.
Below I will put some verses I want us to ponder on and let it sink into our hearts. I pray you all have a great day and I will be back soon!
TTYL
~Meghan A. Harper
Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil -Ephesians 5:15-16
There's one thing to live out your passions but another thing to live out Godly obedience. God has called us to be set apart and holy. We have to be diligent with the time He has given us and make sure we are walking in obedience to Him, not just in practicality of humans thinking. This is a dark and demonic world. While I am someone trying to get into the entertainment world, I truly see how demonic it can be, however, Christians are needed there to be that light of God. In those spaces we have to make sure we are living for God. You never know who may come to know Him through your presence.
And my God will meet all of your needs according to His riches and glory.
-Philippians 4:19
This verse is mentioned after a sacrifice is given to the Lord. So in other words, live your life in obedience to God and He will supply all of your needs, not wants, NEEDS.
A man's gift makes room for him and brings him before the great. -Proverbs 18:16
When I tell y'all doors have opened for me that I barely had to pry open it is because God wanted me in that room. We need to work hard to hone in on what we are already equipped and gifted to do and put ourselves out there, but God will ultimately decide if we need to be in a certain room.
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"
-Matthew 6:25-27
I feel like this verse is self explanatory. Why am I stressing and allowing other people to stress me out about how my life will turn out? It is scary to live in the unknown but then we are technically saying that we don't trust God. Diligently seek Him and trust that He will watch out for you and take care you. If He will take care of the smallest of creatures, what makes you think He doesn't want to take care of what is made after His own image? He will not let you fail.
Prayer:
Lord I pray for you to increase our faith and help us to realize that you are the true giver of life. While there is nothing we can do to earn your love, but I pray for you to guide our lives for us to walk in obedience to the bible as well as the convictions you have placed on us. I repent for my sins and when I turned my back on you because I lived my life for the approval of others. I thank you for your grace. Continue opening my eyes to your word and your truth. I am so grateful for the opportunities you have given me. I pray to continue to serve you every day of my life.
In Yeshua's name,
Amen!
Oh and want to check out my theatre website? Here you go!
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