God + Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: The Christian with the ADHD Brain

"The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He delivers those who are discouraged."

-Psalm 34:18

First off, Happy Mental Health Awareness Month. I was not going to write anything to commemorate this month but MAAANNNNN God has a word! hahahaha

I have somewhat mentioned, in previously blogs, that I have ADHD but I have not gone into detail... until today! So technically this is my first ADHD blog! Yay! So I will give a brief background.

I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder July 2013 at the age of 19. I always knew there was something different with me but I couldn't put my finger on it. Different like "why do I talk so much?" "Why do people find me annoying?" "Why are my emotions all over the place and why can't I control them?" I grew up believing ADHD was not real because people just need to be disciplined. The irony is, I was disciplined, had hands on parents, ate healthy, yet still diagnosed with ADHD. When I received the diagnosis I was realized. I finally had an explanation as to why I am the way I am. As I began to research more about ADHD, I realized it's more than not being able to sit still or the inability to focus. ADHD tends to be coupled with other mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, emotional dysregulation, and/or rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD).

ADDitude Magazine defines RSD as, "extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short—failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations." In other words, it is extremely hard to handle or process rejection or we believe we are rejected when we are not. Rejection is already something difficult to handle but in the ADHD brain, it becomes amplified. How does this transfer to the ADHD brain who also believes in the healing and delivering power of Jesus... Well, it's hard to say the least.

A few days ago I had a job interview for a position I really want. I had been on contact with one of the main people at the company and they said I was a shoo-in. As soon as the interview was over, I cried! I knew I had bombed the interview and I greatly feared the rejection ahead. I didn't want to believe I would be rejected because I truly believe God had opened doors for me to get that job. 1 week later, I got the email I had been trying to prepare myself for, "thank you for taking time to interview with us. Though the candidates were highly qualified, we have gone with another candidate for the job." I LOST it! (Mind you, this just happened on a few days ago, so I am still processing this but I'm doing a lot better.) I was angry to think I would get a job. I was embarrassed for wastingly time to interview and even more embarrassed that I was rejected a job. I was angry with the person who made me believe I would get the job. I was angry with God for seeming like doors were opening for me to be there. I had peace when I applied, yet extreme anxiety right before and during the interview.

One could easily say, "well it wasn't meant for you." Well Duh! Obviously! Now tell someone who has difficulty processing and battles RSD. Please note, for those of you who do not have ADHD, will say you think or feel the same thing or just move on, remember and ADHD brain has a chemical imbalance that makes it difficult to process surroundings, information, emotions, etc. It just feels like rejection. "You weren't good enough, smart enough, and you were really stupid enough to think you could get a job. You will never get a job and you will be stuck doing nothing the rest of your life." Yes. I thought all of those things and much much more. It sounds like many other people when they experience rejection, but the ADHD brain will dwell on it for days, weeks, months, maybe even years. It is incredibly difficult to bounce back from it and can take a long time to recover. When being rejected by man, it at times feels like God has rejected me too. Why lead me to this spot to tell me no? Why get my hopes up to have them crushed? I'm trying to trust in You and believe you have a plan, but it doesn't feel like you're listening to me. Have you forgotten me Lord? (Yes, I know we all can have those thoughts at times, but it is a lot more extreme for the ADHD brain. I am just keeping it brief.)

As I was in the midst of my breakdown the other day, the Bible app daily verse popped up and it was Psalm 34:18. "The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He delivers those who are discouraged." I then realized, maybe God was really trying to get my attention. I was not ready to hear it because there's no way God is with me because he has rejected me. I didn't want to believe the thought but I battled with that all day. I didn't want to give up on God because part of me knew those thoughts were a lies, yet the circumstances made the thoughts real. By the end of the day, I decided to take a look at Psalm 34. I knew The Lord was trying to talk to me then. In the midst of reading the chapter I repented for believing those thoughts and read the scripture. The Lord is with me and He hears me. "The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry..." (Psalm 34:15)

Having RSD as a person who loves God is a struggle. In the midst of my mental turmoil and breakdowns around people who don't understand what is happening, is extremely challenging and not always the most helpful to move past it. As I have learned more about RSD I have started to become aware when I am having an RSD episode, like I did tonight! Hence why I am writing this blog at 12:30am because I finally had some breakthrough! Being able to talk it out with someone who has ADHD as well, definitely helps. I have learned to realize acknowledging an RSD episode is part of the process to heal and move forward. It easy to say "don't let your emotions control you" but how do you control your emotions when they are uncontrollable. With Jesus of course!

When I am in the midst of an episode- honestly, let me stop right here. I have, as of today, just started doing this, so I hope this helps me in the long run. Before I started writing this blog I looked up RSD and realized that is exactly what I am feeling. It was so freeing to realize why I am extremely emotional over not getting a job. I know my worth and value is not placed in a job, or the opinions of others, but when there's a chemical imbalance in your brain telling you otherwise, it can be difficult to comprehend. So, as I was saying... When I am in the midst of an emotional episode, I stop, take a deep breath and think "Is this an RSD episode?" Once I realize it is, I allow myself 5 days to cope and deal with it. If I need to cry, I will. If I need to talk it out with friends/family, I will. I will also warn them, give me about 3-5 days and I'll be over this. What I always do, is pray, read my bible, and journal. This time in particular, I decided to meditate on Psalm 34. I read it every day for the past week.

So yes, all of this happened, now a week ago. (Of course my ADHD kicked in and I have not finished this blog yet so I am finishing it now! lol) After giving myself that time to feel and pray through those emotions, I can intellectually and emotionally realize, it is just a job and there are many more out there. With that, here is was RSD is not...

RSD is not:

1. An excuse for irrational or abusive behavior.

If I know I am having an episode, I will verbalize it to my family and friends especially when they are trying to give me advice. I will tell them, "I want to listen, however, right now, I am not able to process what you're telling me. Can you please write it down and I will look at it in a few days when I am able to receive it better?" or something that sounds similar to that. lol

2. An excuse to not trust God.

If anything it should force me to rely on God even more. I want to prove these emotions wrong and that how they are making me perceive God is not true. In that time I force myself to read the Bible since my negative emotions towards God are speaking loud than what is true about it. I am relying on Him to get me through this episode and believing that He is for the broken hearted and hears the cries of His followers.

RSD helps me be more aware of others feelings and feel with them, though at times I may forget to verbalize it. :-| I will always pray for them though! It allows me to be mindful of how to treat others because I don't want to be a stumbling block to them. (Side note: I do need to do better with not allowing people (friends) to mistreat me or take advantage of me because I am afraid to experience an RSD episode. I know intellectually that certain things are not okay, but I let it slide because I understand they may be going through a tough time. I am praying for balance with that. I do need to give grace but I also need to set boundaries.) Though RSD is a struggle, and it seems as though you can "pray it away", sometimes God allows us to deal with these things to increase our faith in Him; to make us rely on Him. We endure various trials so that He get's the glory and so that other people can come to the knowledge of his love and truth. I am able to give Him the credit for bringing me through another RSD episode, not the steps that I took. It continues to amaze me how much He does love me and it makes me want to share His good news, the gospel, even more!

I pray this helps you all understand the many complex layers of my brain! Some of you all can probably relate to what I'm saying while others may not understand at all, and that is totally fine! As the Father sees fit, I will continue to write some more ADHD related blogs because we need to realize, Christians endure mental health issues too. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and I pray you all have a great Mental Health Awareness Month!

BYYYEEEEEEEEE

~Meghan A. Harper

Meditate on this verse for the next 3 days!

The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry; but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to blot out their name from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.

-Psalm 34:15-20